To my First Unborn

We love you. And thank you.

It was a huge surprise when I found out that you had formed inside of me. It took a long time for me to even suspect the existence of you… since my periods are never usually regular, and I only think of them when they come around. What's more, I never got the typical morning sickness 'they' speak of… 'they' being all those who have been pregnant before, me never having been one of 'them'. And with the cervical cancer scare just two years ago, for the longest time having been as single as a dollar, no more looking for change… and then, with my ovaries fast approaching raisin-status thanks to 39 years of life already… you really were out of the blue.

My relationship with your father is still very young, despite the fact that I had met him for the first time around 18 years ago, and had held a quiet candle for him all this time, never expecting our paths to cross again, never mind finding mutual love.


I bought two pregnancy tests, to be absolutely sure, because I could not believe it. When I told your father, he was also in partial disbelief… but he was so happy. We both were! I mean, we suddenly didn't feel ready, but we weren't young enough to say that, now were we? We also both had the ideal of being married before bringing a child into the world… but my Life had been no textbook case or box office Fairytale to date. Oh, how you rocked our little world the moment we knew of you!

Rest assured, you were conceived in love.

I had still not signed up for health insurance in Germany, so that became an absolute priority, and in the meantime I got some supplements to benefit you and Googled myself silly to find out what I should or should not consume, and anything else I could do to make sure you were optimally supported and nurtured in my body. Your father supervised me accordingly, and even joined me in my health-consciousness in support of you and me.

You were so good for me.

I don't think I've been this healthy in a long time. I gave up all sins that could possibly affect you, and did not even touch a painkiller when a migraine came to visit. My body did feel different, at times uncomfortable, and I could feel a slow but gradual change occurring. We so wanted to share the news with our people, but because the first trimester is high risk, even more so in light of my age, we figured we would wait it out. But it was not easy…

Finally I went to visit an obstetrician… and there I saw you for the first time. We saw your little almost-human shape… and we saw your tiny heart beating… and we were dumbstruck and in total awe of you. You were real and you were inside of me. We had, together, created you. There was no denying it now.

You were a Gift to us.

Because of my age and you being my first pregnancy, it was recommended that I go to the Genetics department at the local hospital for screening to ensure that your blueprint was sound. Your father and I were so excited to see you on a more sophisticated transabominal ultrasound and anxious to confirm that all was well, and that your environment was indeed salubrious. We were also dead curious to see if you were a boy or a girl so we could start thinking about your name…

We felt special… honoured that you chose us as parents.

And on this day of a promised high, we fell into the unknown pits of despondency as we came to learn that you had a 'broken heart' causing heart failure and that fluid was collecting around your fragile little corpus. Blood was taken from me to send for tests and a consultation with a Geneticist was scheduled. We were confused and terrified. What did this mean for you and for us? What happened? Why? The following days we carried our happy-sad secret around with us in a bubble of fear and question marks. We kept busy. We hugged a lot.

The Geneticist told us that the transabdominal ultrasound findings suggested, with the most likelihood, a chromosomal aberration… in particular, Trisomy 21 or Trisomy 18, the latter her best bet. We read up about it extensively the next few blurry days whilst waiting for the results… only somewhat comforted by the fact that it had not been anything we had physically done that could have caused or prevented it. That it merely was a random failure on Nature's part… and that we were not alone in meeting it. That the chance of it happening in a subsequent pregnancy was less than 1%...

And then the first batch of results came back, from the fast test, and the tested-for chromosomal aberrations were not detected and I was clear of any infections. I guess one could call it good-bad news… good to get a clear result, bad to have questions remain unanswered.

All in all, there was no good news. Whilst we still awaited further tests and more results, your chances for survival remained slim regardless. Another consultation with the Geneticist allowed us to explore the options, and what options they were. We could wait until Nature promoted you to Angel, or expedite the process with a termination. There were only a few days left for me to qualify for a termination whilst asleep… after that, it would either be a natural miscarriage or an induced birth, possibly still... or worse, having you die in my arms. Of course, having Nature terminate the pregnancy might have relieved me of the action on my part, but the thought of getting more and more pregnant, perhaps no longer being able to hide it from others… walking around wondering when your pathologies would get the better of you… that was also no way to live. And your father and I were on the same page about bringing a terminal child into this world… not only for selfish reasons, but for you as well. We wanted you to be able to live the best life, and how could you possibly do that with your basic anatomy and physiology not serving you well. This world is unforgiving enough for those who have all their body parts functioning well.

So… we scheduled the abortion, although I would prefer not to use this stigmatized term. I went for one more ultrasound, by my own request. I wanted to see if there had been any change… any improvement… at a stretch, any miraculous resolution before I did this unintentionally awful deed. But sadly, your fetal hydrops had worsened, and yet another pathology was detected: ductus venosus agenesis.

You were not made for this world.

Your father was wonderful to me, I'll have you know….my gentle, thoughtful rock. You would have been so proud of him. My mother, your grandmother from my side, who I did tell about you, was also there for us… and she, too, mourns not having met you. The procedure happened while I was asleep, but I could feel that you were gone when I came around again. And somehow I felt empty… because for the little time you were in our lives I felt privileged. I felt rich. I felt special. I felt purpose-built. I felt significant. I felt eternal. I have decided not to see your leaving us as a death… but rather that you were transcended to angel status prematurely… that you were not made for this world.

You taught me some things.

I would venture to say that you changed me some. I shall think twice again before I criticize my body… with all its dents and scratches, scars and bumps… the freckles, lack of tan, birthmark, and other self-perceived flaws and imperfections I criticize daily. I have a newfound respect and reverence for my body, thanks to you. It can create and support life, and despite all the abuse we inflict on it (either intentionally or unintentionally) it remains so forgiving and giving. By the same token, some people are all ready and in the perfect setting to have a child, yet cannot conceive. So, you were a miracle, albeit it not for us but through us. It will not be so easy for me to take things for granted again… I was meant to rear you, and there you reared me without being born.

You were not discarded… you were freed.

We, your father and I, don't want you to think that we did not want you. We still want you. We have always wanted you. But, Nature also makes mistakes, and this was not one you could live with, precious little being. If it is written in the cards, and your spirit remains free to choose us… if we find out that it is all clear to try again… we'll be here to receive you.

Thank you for touching our lives.

Albeit it under the saddest of circumstances, you made us grow up a little more as individuals. And you made us grow together. And we spoke about it… how we did not actually miss the sacrifices one makes when one is expecting, because your arrival was and is MUCH more important and exciting and wonderful than any earthly, superficial, transient, western, selfish pleasure or indulgence that may exist.

Thank you, little one… for you. May your spirit soar and may you know no pain or disability in your new realm of existence. I look forward to meeting you one day.

You were / are loved,
Your Mommy and Daddy