SPLIT-ting Headache!

It’s time to write about one of my pet social peeves: restaurant bill splitting.

I first experienced it during my post-university year stint in the UK, introduced at that time to the colloquialism: whip-round. I went out with a bunch of Kiwi, Safyr and Pommy females for dinner at a popular English Pub.  I had never really savoured the luxury of eating out whilst growing up, nor as a student… because money was usually tight. Our family never lived beyond our means, a meme that lives on in my cells. I was in the UK to travel primarily, so every hard-earned penny was put aside for just that, betwixt my basic monthly expenses. I wasn’t much of a drinker (some refer to it as a cheap drunk) and that suited my purse just fine. I was and still am more of a grazer, preferring several smaller meals as opposed to one large meal in one sitting (especially at night) which leaves me feeling like an anaconda that swallowed a sheep.

It was (and still occasionally is) hard for me ordering from a menu. I was used to buying my groceries at stores like Checkers or Shoprite and could barely justify the prices in the wake of that. And then, there was the currency conversion to contend with on this occasion… but I bit the bullet and self-admonished, “This is a once-in-a-blue-moon affair, just enjoy it you wet blanket!”.  I ordered a glass of tap water on the rocks to quench my thirst, a chili burger and a glass of Merlot, which I elegantly sipped during the course of the evening. I rounded off my order with a cup of filter coffee.  The others, however, ordered a focaccia to share, then starters, main meal and dessert, all strung together with several versions of drinks, some of which I’d never even heard of before. When the bill came, one of them piped up: “Shall we make it a whip then gals?”. They proceeded to divide the bill up evenly amongst all of us! My portion was now at least four times more than I expected it to be based on what I consumed and my portion of the ten percent gratuity. I wanted to protest, but felt so uncomfortable at the prospect. Needless to say, that night put me back quite a bit and left me reluctant to accept any similar invitations again.

It has happened a good few times since then… another incident was whilst north of South Africa for work. I went out with my American colleagues who are and still remain sterling people (so this is NOT personal).  However, our spending priorities and financial stances emerge divergent. Once again, I ordered only a main meal. It wasn’t so important to me to try everything on the menu of this upmarket restaurant… sharing in the décor, ambience and company was enough to make it a most memorable experience.  Larry suggested we order a bottle of wine. I was keen for wine too (as I often am!), so figured it was more economical if we got a bottle and shared it anyway. I let him to choose the type. He had starters, mains and dessert… and a  couple of bourbons for closing. Yet again, the bill came and it was proposed, by the most profligate patron of course, that we split it. And, guess what? The bottle of wine he ordered was the equivalent of six hundred ront! Heaven forbid, shall I pan for gold in my urine the next day? This time I did remonstrate, as politely as possible. Of course, I did pay for half the bottle of wine because I did drink it, but chose to pay only for that which I ordered beyond that plus tip.  Outspoken Eric (one of the things I do love about him), who also partook frugally and should have felt the same way as I did about the arrangement, got decidedly irritated with me, “Come on! You have the same daily per diem allocation as we do, why are you being so grudging?” I proceeded to explain as eloquently as possible,  “Yes, it is true, I do have the same daily  per diem allocation as you but, in the first instance, my domestic currency is 1:1 as opposed to your 8:1. Secondly, it is MY per diem and surely I have the right to choose how I spend it – perhaps I would rather save some of it for a much-needed massage at the hotel spa rather than fritter it on food and drinks, never mind subsidizing someone else’s opulent tastes. It’s not that I am a tight-fisted person by nature, it is just that circumstances sometimes make it so that I have to be tight-fisted to make ends meet – you don’t know what my financial responsibilities are or where I come from. Please don’t make me feel uncomfortable for sticking to my own set of principles.” They accepted my rebuttal but the tension could be cut with a knife.

Shooters are another thorn in my side. I don’t like most shooters, and when I do order one (either a Jagermeister for its digestive benefit or a Zambuca because I love the taste of liquorice) I don’t down it but sip it, much to the amusement (and sometimes annoyance) of my company.  When I down something it is because I don’t like the taste of it but have to drink it… like medicine! And most of these swigs are R18-R20 a shot – two or three down the gullet, and the cost of my meal is matched! If you offer me one and I say, “No, thank you,” it means I really don’t want one but appreciate the offer.  If you still get me one and then try to force me to have it, do you expect me to pay for it too? If I pass it on because I am driving and don’t want to get drunk (or have a hangover tomorrow), do you also expect me to pay for it?  When the inflated-by-drinks bill arrives, are you going to roll your eyes, raise your eyebrow, shake your head and judge me when I only give in the money I truly owe?

Considerate people won’t make me feel bad for being me.  Considerate people will respect my choices and acknowledge the good intentions behind them: I will not drive under the influence nor will I risk depriving my dependents or compromise my financial commitments and goals by my own improvidence or those of others.  I don’t impose my spending habits or preferences on others and reserve my judgment of others’ spending habits and preferences all the same. Can I not expect the same in return? Since when is personal thriftiness considered a breach of savoir-faire? Am I hurting you, stealing from you, or putting you out of a comfort zone? Okay, so it makes working out the bill a little more complicated, but we do have the time and how often do we get to practice a little mathematics these days, eh? I'll gladly do the calculations if it bothers you so.

Those who know me well, know how generous I am. I have been able to help friends and family out from time to time BECAUSE I have always saved for that rainy day or disbursed smartly. If I am in a position to do so, I shall invite whomever out for a meal and voluntarily and happily foot the bill. If I am in a position to do so, I shall openly offer to pay for more than I personally owe. But, let it be my prerogative and let it be my decision, please.  If I am invited out, I shall announce upfront my justified wish to ‘go Dutch’ and I shouldn’t have to provide an explanation or be put on an unfounded guilt trip.

You order what you want and pay your dues, and I’ll do the same. Simple. There’s no reason for it to come between us all having a genuinely good time out. And if you don’t like or respect the way I think, then I guess it’s just plain tough luck.

P.S. There’s even been academic research on this topic! If you can handle the highfalutin jargon, visit this link: The Inefficiency of Splitting the Bill.